A joke

[Annabelle]

Here a joke i found and tought i share with you all.

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters restaurant.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun.
So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"
But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.”

Annabelle

[imfizz]

World's funniest, ...

This is said to be the World's funniest, ....

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

[imfizz]

And of course, there's the headache ...

Joe was moderately successful in the career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches, the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. After the operation, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see, size 44 long?" Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?". "It's my job." replied the salesman. Joe tried on the suit, it fitted perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure!". The salesman eyed Joe then said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16 and a half neck.". Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?". "It's my job." came the familiar reply. Joe tried on the shirt, and it fitted perfectly. The salesman asked, "How about new shoes?". Joe was on a roll and agreed. The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see, nine-and-a-half?" Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?". "It's my job." said the salesman again. Joe tried on the shoes and they fitted perfectly. He walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure, why not." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36." Joe laughed smugly, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The shocked salesman shook his head, "You can't possibly wear a size 34! It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!"

[Annabelle]

LMOL that was so funny i nearly peed myself.
It's nice to know there people with a sence of humor out there.

Annabelle

[imfizz]

And then there's always Tommy Cooper, ...

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'


I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.


I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'


It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.


Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.


So he said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'


So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."


You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

[Annabelle]

Clap clap you should in to stand up.

Annabelle

[imfizz]

One more, ...

I have never felt better. I was with my girlfriend for a year and we were going to get married. Our parents helped us in anyway they could. Our friends supported us.

The only thing that bothered me is her younger sister. She was 20 years old and always wore mini skirts and tight clothes. When I was around she would always bend down next to me and reveal her panties. I knew she did this only when I was around to annoy me.

One day this younger sister of hers calls me and says that she needs me to help her move. When I came to her house I realized she was there alone. She told me I was about to get married and that she wanted me for a very long time. She admited that she could not do anything with her sexual intentions towards me. She said she wants to have sex with me just one time before I get married to her sister. I was very surprised and didn't know what to say.

She told me, "I am going upstairs, if you want you can just follow me and take me". When she came up she took off her panties and threw them to me. I was shocked and really surprised. I stood there for a while and went downstairs to the door. I came out of the house and went to the car. Outside was her dad, crying with a smile on his face. "We are very happy with the decision that you made, this was our little test to see if you were loyal to your future wife, now I know you are the man for her, welcome to our family", he said.


Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.

[Annabelle]

Lmol i love it.

But just one thing is this just a joke or did this happen to you.

Annabelle

[imfizz]

... & then there was the doctors assistant ...

A Doctor in Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant "Garge, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all of our patients". "Yes, sir!" answers Garge.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So, Garge, How was your day?"

Garge told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL."

"Bravo Mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir" says Garge.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks The doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, displaying herself. She said 'Help me, I haven't seen a man for five years' !''

"And what did you do Garge?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."

[imfizz]

BEER, FISHING, SEX & GOLF

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.


"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."